Little did I know when I started this challenge, I would have the tenacity to see it through. There were nights when I wanted to close the laptop and just let it end. Who would know the difference if I quit? Would it matter? It did matter to me.
I realized I do not need to write a long piece of written word. It matters that I write. I look forward to continuing on Tuesdays. I am sure there will be days when it will be easier to walk away than to stay and write. I hope I am stronger now to push through the awkwardness and share my slices.
Thank you to Two Writing Teachers for hosting this experience. I hope to be back here next year to complete another challenge. Thank you to my Welcome Wagon. Your comments encouraged me to keep writing. Knowing you were looking for my writing made it easier to come back each day and write.
I am in a chapter in my life where I feel uneven.
It is uneven because I see, and feel lots of people spending a lot of time to support me during my battle with Non-Hodgekins Lymphoma. I ask myself many times a day. What did I do to deserve this support, how did this happen, why do family and friends do this for me? How can I possibly thank them for all of the support and time they given over the last month and a half and for the time yet to come?
I feel uneven when asked, “What do I want?” What do I want, I want to not be have this cancer. I want to not have to rely on friends for rides during chemo treatments. I want to not have friends sign up to bring us meals. I want to not have friends sign up to visit me in the hospital.
I feel uneven that I feel this way. I should accept all this support. I should feel gratitude for all that everyone done for me. When will I be able to pay this forward?
Will I ever feel even again?
Today started out so promising. Up early, packed the remaining items I would need for my stay. Meds check. Baking soda drink, check. Dogs fed, check. Fire stocked, check. Garbage out check.
Lori arrived at 7:00. Bags packed and off we drove to the hospital. Traffic was minimal. People must be off, due to Easter weekend. Admissions was flawless. Elevator ride to the 6th floor. It felt like I was coming back. I was on my turf. I saw Ernesto. People knew my name. I said “Hello” and “Good Morning”.
I moved into my room. Bags situated. Coats hung. Sit and wait.
Nancy, NP came in. “When did you have your pic line out?” “What do we do now?” “When did you have labs run?” “You are neutropenic.” “We need to switch your room.” Everything comes to a screeching halt.
More sit and wait. No chemo cocktail happening.
“We can get you in at 1:00.” “Wait, it will be another 30 minutes.” “Oh no, emergency and it will be another hour and half.” More sit and wait and think.
Not sure how this day will end.
Alexander said, “There will be days like this.”
Smiling, Visiting, Laughing
Do you know how special you are? Do you know how your laughter yet loud, brings a smile to my face? Do you know how intent you look when you are in the middle of a good book? Do you know how your ‘timidness’ to make new friends, shows how you are careful with your heart? Do you know how brave you are to go to UW Green Bay where you knew no one? Do you know how calming your presence is when you tell me its going to be OK? Do you know how proud I am to be able to call you my daughter? Do you know how your smile lights up a room? Do you know how strong you are to stand up for what you believe in? Do you know how loved you are?
Little tiny pricks
On the edge of a mosquito bite
Visions of needles
Spread out across my body
Feel the heat lamp
Brings the relief
Finish with a massage
I just read a post.
One that could be telling my story.
How do they know?
How do they know the anxiety?
How do they know the worry?
How do they know to use the words that mean so much to me right now–Faith, Believe.
How do I know it will be OK?
Until then I will continue to keep the Faith, Believe and Hope.